It's now been just over a year.......

Hard to believe that it is now over a year for me since moving to NYC. We are still enjoying it but some things have changed.  We are feeling pretty ready to make the move out of Times Square/Hell's Kitchen/Theatre District to a more sedate, non-touristy neighborhood.  I think spending the five weeks at the ashram in India really made a deep impression and my nerves are definitely feeling a bit more jangled with all the activity that goes on in our immediate neighborhood.  So we are looking to move to, most likely, the Upper West Side. Certainly considering other Manhattan neighborhoods but the UWS seems to have the most of what we are looking for. We are also likely going to buy a place assuming interest rates stay as low as they are.  After crunching some numbers, it's clear it would be cheaper to pay a mortgage and maintenance fee rather than the level of rent we are paying now.

I am also back to reading books, and have learned to say 'NO" to all the magazines and newspapers.  Just finished Erik Larsen's In the Garden of the Beasts.  He is a favorite author of both Bob and mine. It is a historical account of the US Ambassador to Germany and his family during Hitler's rise to power.  It's so amazing how everyone around the world wanted to keep a blind eye to what was happening and how appalling the behavior was of the US's old, rich, cronies in high government positions could be.  I am now reading Island in the Center of the World which covers the Dutch settlement of Manhattan prior to the English overthrow and takeover.   It's good to be back reading books.

I'm in an established (albeit very part time) professional role as an independent evaluator for a research project at the Columbia University Research Foundation for Mental Hygiene and have just started my volunteer position with City Harvest which I am, thus far, enjoying.

I am enrolled to be trained as a Reiki healer the first weekend in November.  There is still an outside chance I may be doing a small consulting job related to teen eating disorders so we will see.

We still have a wonderful stream of friends and family visiting. That is such a social lifeline for me but at the same time, we have made a very nice small group of friends here as well.

We are going to go for an orientation this weekend to see if we want to join the Park Slope Food Coop in Brooklyn.  It's a really crazy, highly controversial (they get bomb threats!!) food cooperative.  I've heard from several people now they are a bunch of crazies but I am totally jonesing for a food coop experience to replace my undying love for the Seattle PCC stores.  We will see just how crazy they really are and if it is at all practical to even think about working and shopping there in Brooklyn on a monthly basis.

I have just loved getting to know so many of the parks and look forward to further explorations of NYC's natural beauty.  Margaret and I are off to Far Rockaway Beachh on Friday.

We've slowed down quite a bit on going to see Broadway plays and are being a bit more discerning as to what performances we are buying tickets for though a good friend is coming to town and wants to see Rock of Ages, so that should be fun.  We will also go see Other Desert Cities because I had really wanted to go when it was playing at the Lincoln Center.

So I would say that our first year has been really successful in making the adjustment after such a big leap from Seattle.  We are less bug eyed with "LIVING IN NYC" and definitely feel more settled and sober but still engaged with all the city has to offer, just a bit more tempered than when we first moved here. 

Epilogue

So I am signed up for the Reiki training for the weekend of November 5th and 6th. I've stayed on track to follow thru on my increased sadhana routine.  I am battling the outrageous level of distraction offered by non-stop internet access, magazines, newspapers, errands, various tasks to attend in the apartment, eating, etc to make my spiritual practice the priority first thing in the morning.  It is really tough even though after I complete it (a little over two hours) I feel amazing. It's just the getting started. I keep telling myself there is really no better use of my time and the world might end as I know it at any moment (gotta get the stakes really high!) so what does all the other stuff (aka lame excuses) matter.  The strategy helps some, but wow, it is really hard for me to be as disciplined as I would like.  I have every intention of sticking with it so hopefully over time, it'll come more easily. At least that is my hope. 

Leaving the ashram............

Om Namah Shivaya,

As the last few days close in on our departure date from Amritapuri, I find myself with a sense of urgency, mild panic, and vague disappointment that I didn't extract every last bit of what I could have gotten from my time here.  That my "allowances" for "adjusting to ashram life" may have wasted too much time.  Just last night, Bob and I were watching from the Kali Temple balcony a large group of people singing and drumming devotional songs to a large Ganesh statue in a small temple that had been erected in front of the Kalari. The Kalari is the first original temple space on the Ashram grounds, it was originally the cowshed of Amma's family that has been redone as a more formal temple.  It is just tiny, MAYBE able to hold 30 people, giving a very vivid and concrete comparison to how large the groups of the ashram have grown when you compare it to the very large open air temple space where most of the activities occur now. The main temple hall holds about 3000 people seated, maybe 4000 if you utilize all the space and probably 5000 if you don't use chairs and everyone sits closely on the floor (a typical practice in temples). Anyway, from the balcony of the Kali Temple (which hold about 1500 really packed in, no chairs) we noticed that we were at eye level with the top of the Kalari Temple roof line and there at the front peak of the pitched roof is a beautiful statue of a garlanded Vanamali in a diorama of cows and the forest.  Vanamali is Bob's Hindu name given to him by Amma.  Translated it means Vana which is forest and Mali which is one who wears malas (sacred bracelets and necklaces). Together they refer to Krishna during his youth when he hearded cows in the forest and the gopis (female cowherders) made him flower garlands to wear.  It was such a nice surprise to have spotted this. For as many times as Bob has been here, neither he nor I had not seen it before. I am sure there are so many little surprises like that tucked away all over the ashram grounds.  You just have to be in the right place to see them. I am still finding various paintings and photos of Amma that I'd not noticed in places I've been in many, many times. The visual richness is so much to take in.

It's been a big week for Lakshmi, the elephant, as this is the time of year, Ganapati, when the manifestation of God as Ganesh (the elephant) is celebrated.  Ganesh represents wisdom and the remover of obstacles. Lakshmi is being brought over to the ashram more often and given lots of love, attention, and treats by those here at the ashram, visitors and residents alike, and of course by Amma.  Lakshmi was involved in a very beautiful puja ceremony where she was adorned with several bright flowered garlands, a white scarf draped over her back, and dots of sandalwood and kum kum (respectively, the beige and very bright red powder you often see on Indian people's foreheads) placed on her ears, trunk, and backside. She even managed to get down to a full prostration at the end of the ceremony.  Very impressive.  I asked a bit about Ram, the male elephant who came to the ashram as just a baby several years ago.  I've not seen him this visit and was wondering aloud with people if he is still around. What I was told is that he is in his adolescent male phase of development which makes him more of a challenge to manage and he is not safe to be around a lot of people right now. So for now, he is not being brought to the ashram though it sounds like he is still over at the university.  Anyway, Lakshmi seems really happy to be the center of attention and really soaks it all up. I will miss her very much.

The Amrita Yoga class was so amazing, like no yoga class I have ever experienced. Luckily the first level course was just perfectly matched to my skill level. What a relief and as it turns out, a massive rain storm happened on 3 of the 4 late afternoon classes which cooled the air down considerably so the temperature of the room was quite comfortable.  They teach yoga here from a deeply rooted tradition of Eastern spiritual practice.  I think there are some yoga classes in the West that try to do this but being in this particular atmosphere with a realized spiritual master in your presence, the class was so infused with God-consciousness, it was an experience like none I've ever had.  Yoga in the true Hindu tradition is so much more than the postures, it's a way of living, learning. serving, loving, showing devotion, bringing stillness to your mind. Aside from the 14 hours of class time learning the yoga postures and associated breathing. We had three wonderful lectures (satsangs) about how yoga is a very clear way to spiritual enlightenment. We had a brahmacharini who has spent many, many years learning from Yoga masters and learning the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Then a very enjoyable and highly accessible talk from one of the Brahmacharis about how to stay present in the here and now, and lastly a talk from one of Amma's devotees who told us many heart felt stories of people surrendering to the pain of the moment and the grace that flowed from that surrendering.  What was most powerful about the Amrita Yoga techniques is how it really focuses you on literally imbibing God and bringing that Light and Love into one's heart with every breath taken in the practice.  The instructors provided themes for each of the 8 classes and told wonderful stories and read insightful poems and quotes to brings those themes alive and incorporated into the learning process.  I don't feel like I am doing a very good job of explaining the process. I will just say, that before taking this class my approach to yoga was far more for physical benefits and now after taking this class, doing the Amrita Yoga is really about the spiritual benefits.  Any physical benefits that come from it will be great but that has little to do with why I will incorporate this into my daily practice. Amrita yoga also strongly emphasizes the importance of love and service. So I am starting my volunteering with City Harvest the following week that I get back to NYC. My first gig is a 6 hour volunteer day helping to set up for one of their fundraisers.  

Lest you think this yoga class was spiritually too one sided, the instructors had wonderful senses of humor.  If there was stand up comedy for aspiring yogis this following joke would be standard:

There were three aspiring devotees of a guru. Each has done intense and sincere spiritual practice and show deep devotion to their guru and realized master.  Their guru brings them together and recognizes their deep sincerity to reach spiritual enlightenment and become one with the cosmic consciousness---the absolute bliss after which they are seeking for so long.

So he tells the first devotee how much he sees of his sincerity for achieving spiritual enlightenment and tells him he will grant him one boon (essentially a wish).  The devotee tells his guru that he wants spiritual enlightenment, the most prized state of being. So the guru grants him his wish and poof he is one with the cosmos.

He calls in the second devotee and essentially has a repeat of the first conversation he had with the first devotee.  And so poof, off goes the second devotee to absolute bliss.

The guru calls in the third devotee, tells him how much he recognizes his efforts in devotion and spiritual practice and tells him he will grant him one boon. The devotee thinks about it and says "You know I really miss my two friends.........."  (end of joke, bada bing).  

It was a really fun and deep class. I would recommend it to anyone interested in bringing a primarily spiritual dimension to their yoga practice.  The one hitch is you have to come to Amritapuri to learn it, as this is the only place they are teaching it, at least for now.

The following is a haphazard but catagorized inventory of various experiences I have had while here.

Highlights: 

#1  My most amazing session with the massage healing therapist

#2  The visit to the orphanage

#3  The Amrita Yoga class

#4  My darshans with Amma

#5  Lakshmi the elephant

#6  The incredible amount of Grace that I received on this visit

What I will miss most:  

#1   The one focusedness of everyone here on the ashram with regard to their spiritual growth, even those who are not devotees of Amma and are just meeting her for the first time out of curiosity, are still in India and at the ashram because they are searching for something bigger than themselves. The austerity here (at least of material/commercial items) and the boundless richness of the rarified atmosphere makes spiritual practice and thought so much easier. It's as my wise friend Kathleen stated  "Perhaps you do not need to meditate so much or so formally in such a setting as inspiration and reflection must occur so often in the moment."  Just being here is a major stimulus to be God-conscious. Can't really avoid it. I think that is the major drawing card for so many people here. The immersion of it all and of course, Amma at it's center.

#2 Having all my meals made for me!  It's not always what I would make for myself or how I would prepare it, but boy, if it isn't nice to just have food ready and waiting, pay only 50 cents, then just have to wash your plate, silverware and cup!

#3 Lakshmi the elephant.

#4  Wearing the white billowing clothes and scarf and seeing so many others in the same whites or white saris

#5  All the visually rich detailed renderings (photos, paintings, sculptures, weavings, etc) of Amma and the many deities in and around the Kali temple and the Kalari, There is a particularly beautiful and intoxicating picture of Amma in the inner sanctum of the Kalari where she is quite young, maybe in her late teens or early twenties where she is clearly deep in samadhi (spiritual oneness with all--my definition).  She is absolutely beautiful and seems otherworldly in this photo.  I've never seen any replications of that particular photo for sale in the gift store, but if there was one, I would most certainly want a copy of it. The Kali statue in the sanctum of the Kali Temple is also very powerful and impressive.  Kali is the black goddess with an exposed bold red tongue holding many weapons in her many arms and hands and the heads of those demons she has vanquished.  She is known as "the destoyer," one who can cut through all of our bad tendencies to help us reach Self-realization.   In the early hours of the morning (usually 5am) when chanting occurs in the temple, she is backlit with lots of tiny lights and there is a small flame at the base of the statue that illuminates her form. She is also wearing many beautiful bright flowered garlands. 

#6  The incredible mix of people here from tiny babies (one 18 month old Western toddler is dressed in a little dhoti (the traditional Indian cloth wrap that men wear instead of pants) he looks so ADORABLE) to the oldest, most wrinkly, hunched over, gray haired Indian woman you can imagine......and everyone in between from all parts of the world. 

#7  Meditating on the beach of the Arabian Sea (it's really the water that is the focus as the beach is rather truncated by a very large and sturdy sea wall built of huge bolders to protect the land from the constant rolling and crashing waves.....particularly in response to the tsunami of several years back.)

What I will NOT miss:

#1  All the biting bugs (ants, mosquitoes, spiders) and the sundry of other bug creatures I've encountered ....... but then that would be true of anywhere, not just here.

#2  Not being able to get my hair really clean.  I have so much shampoo residue build up that I feel like for the last 4 weeks all I am doing is just shampooing my shampoo left over from my last attempts to wash my hair. Any YET, the air is so humid here, my hair is just a wild crown of curls and waves--no limp hair here, no matter how much shampoo residue build up I have.

#3  Sleeping under a mini-tent mosquito net--though I am so very grateful to have it here now

#4 The absolute dearth of any whole grains and fresh fruits and vegetables

#5  Always having to be on the alert to make sure we have filtered drinking water in the flat as the tap water is not safe to drink, at least not for Westerners.

#6  The lack of easy washing facilities for our clothes and being able to get them really clean.  

#7  Squat toilets with no toilet paper (I always carry some in my little shoulder purse as I have made only the feeblest attempts to learn the Indian way of wiping).

Now I am just whining............WAHHHHHH..........these are really pretty insignificant in light of the big picture.

What I am most looking forward to upon returning to NYC:

#1  Getting myself disciplined to do my daily sadhana (spiritual practices), the repertoire of which, has expanded considerably given all that I want to incorporate from the practices I have learned while here. 

#2  Washing my hair and our clothes really well

#3  Eating a big fresh green salad with tons of raw vegetables paired with a fantastic piece of Amy's whole grain bread and biting into some wonderful pieces of delectable fresh fruit.

#4  Sleeping in my own bed

#5  Seeing Kelly who will be in NYC when we arrive

#6  Taking the two day Reiki training course in NYC..........It's interesting, on the advice of my therapist back about 30 years now, I had my aura read and she told me that I had tremendous healing power in my hands.  I was impressed with her reading in general as I felt that she was able to articulate many things I felt about myself that I'd not been able to put into words (not so much the healing in my hands--that was new info to me).  Anyway, I didn't do much with that information about my hands, but over time, more and more, I did incorporate some very light (and highly appropriate and socially acceptable) touching with my female adolescent anorexic patients. It proved to be such a powerful dimension of the overall intervention as most of thenm felt completely gross, unlovable, and untouchable. Amma's hugging darshan no doubt had a tremendous influence in my decision to incorporate touch in my work.  Well when I went to see the massage therapist/healer here in the ashram, she also did some aura reading with me and she too noted that my hands had a lot of healing power in them.  She suggested I train as a massage or Reiki therapist.  In general, I've been open to, while still maintaining a fair amount of skepticism towards non-evidenced based alternative therapies. But change is good for everyone and this is a good opportunity to try a different form of healing and see where it takes me. Maybe no where, maybe back to helping people suffer less. 

The re-entry to Western living will certainly happen quite immediately after leaving the ashram gates Thursday night and driving to Cochin, a fairly large city, from which we will be flying out of very early Friday morning.  While we will obviously still be in India as we make our way to the airport, in the larger cities and airports, they have definitely adopted a lot of Western style living.  Just today on the way to the university, we passed an open door of a tiny shop and there was a TV on.........it's the first TV we've seen since being here. Obvious too, is that I have been on the internet quite a bit of the time I've been here but it still feels very, very contained as we don't have internet access at the ashram--only at the university. So while in the borders of the ashram, we are not hooked in at all to Western living except for some of the food and even that is done "ashram style."  So our simple living of austerity and one focusedness will need to come from within ourselves once we leave. It will be a challenge to stay grounded in the midst of all that the Western lifestyle offers, especially at our standard of living. I hope I can hold on to much of what I've learned, experienced, and incorporated while here.  My email writings have been tremendously useful to me to imprint my time here. That they have stirred thoughts in others is a most wonderful side effect and maybe even the point. 

It's interesting, while here, we are all supposed to do at least an hour or two of selfless service, called seva.  There are lots of really challenging sevas (like cleaning the squat public toilets near the temple) and then there are sevas like mine, which means I get to work with my loving husband, in a nice office, with access to the internet, etc.  Not exactly the definition of selfless service I would have to be the first to admit. Given this scenario,  I thought that maybe I should do some other less desirable seva but each time I tried, it did not work out from the seva side which then left me time to write these detailed emails. So I am thinking that maybe it was my dharma (my calling, my duty) to write these emails that have stirred thoughts of spirituality in others or just brought them more understanding and pleasure in hearing what happens in a world far from them (literally and figuratively).  Amma knows my strengths are in the verbal realm and I think she is allowing me to do these writings as my seva.........though again, not exactly as selfless as other sevas.  Thank you all for allowing me to share my time here at the ashram with you and for taking the time to read my emails/blog posts and for responding as lovingly as you have.  It has added immeasurable joy to my time here.  There is so much I haven't shared, the intensity of the devotional singing and music here, how lively the evenings are in ashram as people gather in the communal areas (we have started staying up a bit later rather than retiring to our room by 8pm), the craziness of Bob trying to get any teaching in given all the Indian holidays that have been celebrated in the five weeks we've been here, the beautiful ashram swimming pool, watching people come off the outrageously crowded stage after having spent time around Amma, seeing all the college female students in their beautiful colorful saris in celebration of the various festivals, etc. 

I will no doubt be back for other several week stays. I now understand so much better Bob's desire to be here for longer stretches of time, though I doubt I could stay for as long as he would like.  Hopefully in future visits, I will adjust more quickly, settle in faster, and be that much more open and aware of all that I can soak in.  I am even flirting with the idea of going on Amma's European tour in the not too distant future, 10 cities in 6 weeks, traveling on the staff buses and sleeping with 150 other woman in the basement of sports arenas, showering in gym like facilities, and definitely doing massive amounts of selfless seva in helping with her programs in each of the cities she visits.  I know on the face of it, it sounds really grueling and it probably is, but I've enjoyed my time with the others here and it would be a relatively safe adventure unlike any other I've ever had.  We will see, I've got some time to figure it out.

Orphanage visit, monsoon rains, Lakshmi the elephant

Many people have sent me emails wanting to know how the visit to Amma's orphanage went.  As I mentioned very briefly, it was by far one of the most positive experiences I've had while here.  Before getting to the details of the visit itself, I should say a little about the 1 1/2 drive there.  First, even though up high views show so much jungle, driving through the jungle on the small village roads is a whole other story. It's amazing how many people have carved out living spaces in the jungle and from there spring up these little outdoor "convenience" stores to service them. A village may consist of maybe a handful of homes, an outdoor temple, a few small cow or goat pastures, and a convenience store. These dot the road ways amongst the relentless jungle growth.  The homes range from huts made of the native plants to simple cinder block construction with no visible wiring or plumbing or glass in the windows to very elaborate beautiful modern homes.  Most are  painted with very bright tropical colors.  For any constructed house, the roof is always flat with obvious use as the laundry facility--clothes drying in the sun and breeze. 

We drove through one really big city, Kollam, which is the Cashew Capital of the world!  Felt a bit of kindred spirit since my home town of  Firebaugh is the Cantaloupe Capital of the world. The traffic and noise was wild.  We drove home in a terrible rain storm which made the drive even more harrowing as Indians don't really have traffic lanes, you just drive in the free space of the road in front of you.  You have cars, trucks, buses, vans,bicyclist, motorbikes, rickshaws, etc all competing for that same space. At any given time, the road could be a two to 6 lane thoroughfare but with no change in the width of it!  The main point of driving in India seems to be to go as fast as you can, honk your horn as often as you can, and avoid oncoming traffic which is also using whatever free space it has in front of it. It's impressive how few accidents they have and the horn honking seems to be critical in alerting people your intentions of passing. Really crazy! Best not to look out the front window and hope you have a very experienced driver.

Now for the details of the orphanage visit..........First, there is a clear stigma attached to calling these children "orphans" and we were told that it can increase their bad karma so we were asked to just call them "the children."  The orphanage cares for between 400 to 500 children ages 10 to 15 years old.  Apparently in the state of Kerela, there are very strict laws about guardianship of a child under the age of 10.  While Amma would like to have these children come as early as age three, there are many prohibitions to being able to do that.   How children get here is varied.  Many have horrendous family situations such as witnessing their father kill their mother, being seriously malnourished, horribly neglected, victims of sexual and physical abuse, or families just do not have the resources to feed one more child.  Someone either brings the child to Amma's orphanage or they bring them to her when she is doing her tour program around various parts of India.  Obviously there is a great need for so many more children but for whatever reason (karma I suspect) these are the chosen few.  And chosen they are because once they come to Amma's orphanage, their lives change dramatically from being terribly cursed to be tremendously blessed.  I just can not fully describe how innocent, sweet, playful, curious, joyful, loving, inviting, engaged, and inspiring these children are. They all seemed incredibly attractive and physically beautiful.  The girls just love to hold your hand and have you sit near them. They are so welcoming (at least the ones that are not so shy they just peek down from their rooms to the courtyard we were visiting in). When we arrived we were served the traditional Indian Chai tea and feted to the boys playing traditional temple music and the girls performing both temple spiritual dances and tribal dances. We also sang devotional songs with them. The children are provided a top rate academic education as well as training in traditional temple rituals and spiritual practices, especially the girls, as many temple traditions have been the sole domain of men and Amma is all about women's rights. They are also trained in their tribal songs and dances as well as Sanskrit and learning the sacred texts of the Hindu religion. They are very healthy and well groomed and exude a genuine happiness. Some do look like their growth may have been stunted due to early deprivation but overall they all looked really good.  They are not at all exposed to any popular culture from what I could tell which may explain their innocence. Because we were largely a group of women going on this visit, we mainly spent time with about 60 of the girls. It was exam week at the school so many of the students were either in classes or studying. The boys joined us for the performances but then went back to their classrooms and dormitory.  In India, there are very strict cultural rules about males and females not mixing (though boys and girls are very affectionate with each other amongst their own gender).  I sat near the younger boys on the floor during the girl's dance performances and they were very curious about so many things. It's so adorable in that ALL the kids know at least one sentence in English "What is your name?" I must have said "My name is Rose." about 50 times. They gladly and proudly tell you their names which I needed to ask them to repeat at least twice or more as they are totally unfamiliar sounding to me. Some also know "What is your language?" After that, it's all about guessing, hand gestures, facial expressions, miming, etc. 

After the performances, there was a Q and A session and I asked what happens after the age of the 15. The response was that if it safe by then for children to return to their homes or villages then they are sent back with some kind of employable skill.  Amma has several projects in the city of this orphanage so the kids can learn various trades (the Amrita Hospital is a major site for vocational training as the kids can be trained from anything as varied as construction, maintenance, plumbing, electrician, patient care, cooking, office work, etc). If it is not safe for them to go home, then they will be employed at the one of Amma's projects and suitable housing will be found for them in the community.  If the child shows good academic capabilities and is desirous of attending college and graduate school then Amma will fully support all the expenses for them to do so. It's pretty amazing what Amma is willing to do for these children to turn their lives around. As is traditional in Indian culture, marriages are arranged by the parents for their children.  Since many of these children do not have parents, Amma will be the one to arrange their marriages and provide their dowries. The girls are quite giggly when talking about that. After the Q and A session and one more dance we were then served lunch by some of the older girls. After lunch we had a little over an hour to just hang out with the girls in the big courtyard between the dormitory and the new school being constructed.  I had hoped that we would have gotten to see their dorms and the actual classrooms but that didn't happen. 

When Amma was approached about taking over the orphanage over 20 years ago, it was at a time that the Ashram was just starting to attract more people and had outgrown its very small original space for holding meditation and darshan.  Amma's devotees had raised some funds to begin building a larger temple space but when Amma was asked to take over the orphanage, she gave all the money that had been raised for expanding the ashram to the children to make sure they had enough to eat, proper shelter and care, and schooling--apparently all of that had been severely lacking which is why she was asked to take it over in the first place. She put one of her long time bramacharinis, who loved children, in charge.  She has remained there for over 20 years. It's such an amazing story but classic for Amma caring about "her" children first and foremost. It's very sweet how the children call all of their adult female caretakers and even the female cook by their name followed by the word amma which means Mother. So if I worked with them, they would call me "Rose Amma."  I think out of respect for the children and the need to be fluent in Malayalam, the native language, they don't place any Westerners to work at the orphanage. It's all Indian bramacharis and bramacharinis and a few local people (like the cook). 

There is construction going on of a HUGE new school building because this school is one of the top rated schools in Kerela for Sanskrit and over 4000 day students come here to study as well. The director was saying that as soon as it is built, it will already be too small as the number of enrollees continues to grow. 

With respect to what song or game or dance I shared with the kids, I was saved from having to do any of those things and got to do what I do best!  Talk to teenage girls!!!  As it turns out, there was a shifting group of about 4 to 6 of the older girls (with a core of two girls) who really wanted to try to speak English.  So that was perfect.  One of the girls actually had a relatively reasonable grasp of the English language and was able to help with basic interpreting with the other girls who were joining in off and on. I felt my sign language skills came in very handy in our attempts to bridge the communication gap as many of the signs are iconic and offer a shared visual symbol. We actually covered a lot of territory.  One girl wants to be a computer engineer, another a police officer, and another a district manager.  They all want to get married but each only wanted one child. Two wanted a girl because they would be fun to dress up and the other wanted a boy because there is no fuss to dressing them.  They don't have a lot of desire for visiting America even though they are studying the US map now in school. They love India. We laughed when I told them my daughter is 25 because they thought maybe I was thirty and then I confessed that I dye my hair. They were excited that Kelly wants to be a doctor and thought she had a beautiful name.....I think because it sounds so close to a very high profile female Hindu Goddess, Kali. They asked about my husband's name and when I told them his Amma's Hindu given name,Vanamali, they were all very impressed and it just rolled off their tongue when they repeated it.  When I told them his American name, Bob, they tried to say it several times and just never quite got it. When they asked me about my job, I tried to explain about being a psychologist and working with deaf children and teens with anorexia.  Not really sure what they took away from that attempt.  By the end of our conversation, they were inviting me to stay and live and work at the orphanage.  A couple of the girls were passing around a notebook and asking us to sign it.  Athira, the girl with the best English, took a page and wrote me note with all the girls names I had been talking with and then wrote "Rose is the children's mother."  It was really sweet.  When we had to say goodbye, there was so much hugging, kissing of cheeks, waving and being escorted by the whole group back to our bus. The goodbyes took at least 15 minutes to get through.  So I totally lucked out and connected with the girls in a way that was very satisfying to all of us.  I will say that several of the other women came well prepared with simple games like hand string games or art supplies. The girls also loved seeing pictures and videos people were taking of them with their phones or cameras.  We had one 8 year Spanish girl on the tour with her mother and grandmother.  When she stepped off the bus, she was just swooped up by the girls, it was like she was in the middle of a beehive. They all wanted to touch her and play with her hair and see her doll and backpack. She handled it really well.  They included her in everything they did and just loved her to no end.  The boys were also very curious about her but had to limit their enthusiasm, which was kind of sad. It would have been fun to interact with them as well. 

So the visit was so joyful and uplifting and sweet, an exact reflection of the children's personas and Amma's ever flowing love.  I would recommend it to anyone coming to visit the Ashram. It will remain THE high point of my time here.

On the way back, I had a great conversation with a woman who has been traveling about the world and hasn't been home to Czechoslovakia for 3 years.  She is touring India on her own after she leaves the ashram then is off to New Zealand to work and make some money on a communal farm then on to Australia ("since it is so close to New Zealand") then off to South America after that to study with Shamans. I told her I could never do what she is doing.  She said she thought that same thing at one time in her life but then she just decided she wanted to see the world and now she is doing just that--she did say it was scary at times but more times very rewarding for all the people she has met and places she has spent time. I so admire that sense of openness to adventure and experience but I am way too anxious for anything like that. She also spent four months in Bellingham (a town about 60 miles from Seattle) and a week in NYC, so we could definitely share experiences of those places. 

Even though we missed Hurricane Irene in NYC, we had tremendous monsoon rains for several hours on Tuesday--totally cancelled our backwater boat tour (as did the rain again the next day). This was by far the most intense rain we've experienced in the four weeks of being here.  Just a constant downpour for over a couple of hours with majorly gusty winds.  Big puddles and rivulets forming everywhere. What we missed in NYC with the hurricane, we got a good taste of here with a major monsoon rain. Supposedly during the peak of the monsoon season, it's like what it was for these few hours today, all day every day for several weeks in a row. I don't know how people manage.

Just a little update about the elephant we visited.  Turns our this elephant, Lakshmi, is a rescued elephant given to Amma that has a history of abuse.  So I think the habitual head nodding up and down may be a long time behavior.  Anyway, I was so happy to see that Lakshmi was brought over to the ashram to be fed by Amma after she finished with her devotional singing.  We were able to get close enough in the crowd of people to watch her feed Lakshmi these huge biscuits (the size of someone's head) and bananas.  She would play with her and Lakshmi trumpeted several times with joy, almost like she was laughing.  Amma gave her a bucket of water to which Lakshmi promptly showered herself and everyone at the front of the crowd with sprays of water. It just made me so happy to see Amma shower so much attention on this sweet elephant after having seen it so seemingly isolated last week. It was interesting in that we went to a talk later that night given by Amma's main female swamini and she was saying we should all be like Lakshmi, continually saying "yes" to everything that Amma offers us. It was a very sweet analogy.

I want to thank everyone for being so sweet and engaged with these emails/posts I send out. It's been so joyful for me to share my experiences (the good and the less good) and feel connected while being half way around the world. 

more questions............

From Kathleen in response to my last email/posting:


So, you are not finding time to meditate nor to do yoga, and you eat out each day.  So, it is difficult to imagine exactly what you do on typical days.   Is your TA position all day?

And, now I am wondering what you are wearing---all white?  Flowing?

My response:

Always with the challenging questions!!  I want to say something first about eating out each day......when I use words like the Western Cafe or Canteen or the Indian Canteen, you can't use any Western conception of the words.  Especially for the Indian Canteen.  Because there are no cooking, microwave or refrigeration options in the flats here, there is no other choice except to eat out for each meal.  I brought a few crackers, dry cereal, canned juices, boxed milks, nuts, and dry fruit from NYC but it's hardly anything you can make any real meal out of.  Also, the ashram is feeding thousands of people at breakfast, lunch, and dinner so you are standing in lines that are trying to move people through as quickly as possible.  It's not like you sit at your own private table and someone comes to take your order and then you leisurely eat your meal, call for your check, pay and leave.  The reality is you are moving through a "buffet" table set up with huge pots or trays of whatever is being served for that meal, then vying for a place to sit in a not so large communal area, warding off flies and crows from your food, and mosquitoes from any bare skin revealed.  Additionally, most people have someplace else to be so the turnover is pretty quick of getting your meal and eating it.  Then you wash  your own eating ware and turn it in for reusing by the next people down the line.  At the Indian canteen, even though food is delicious, you can't EVEN begin to think about the hygiene of the place as I doubt it would pass muster with any State Health Department. You are just glad that everything they serve is grilled, boiled, fried, or baked such that any germs in the food have been annihilated.  The few times fresh food is served, we just take a handful of probiotic supplements and hope for the best.  So, all that is to say, I don't spend a lot of time in "eating out" despite the fact that there are really good cooks here in the Ashram. Actually it's not as bad as I have painted it just now, but it's not that far from the truth either.  We have had some nice conversations with people over some of our meals and there are some communal tables and benches that are outside of the sheltered eating area. 

Bob and I were looking down at the ashram grounds from the outdoor landing of the elevator on the 5th floor where our flat is and I was saying to him that it reminded me a lot of a small town we stayed in Mexico on the Yucatan Peninsula, Valladolid.  The grounds are all sandy clay dirt with open spaces between the various buildings and structures where people can gather to sit on benches and chairs or on the circular retaining walls around the trees that are sprinkled around the ashram. It really reminds me a lot of rural Mexico only with Hindu deities everywhere instead of Christ and the Virgin Mary. 

Some days I flow in white, thought not a sari, way too much fabric involved for that. I like to wear the oversized gauzy white cotton tops and skirts or billowing pants that are very standard wear here and then I have my long flowing white scarf. Other days I go "Western" --- clothes that are comfortable, modest, but certainly wouldn't stand out if worn in the states. Just depends on my mood!

And yes, I should meditate more.... I do at least close to 2 to 2 1/2 hours in the morning of meditation and chanting and then another couple of hours in the evening of some devotional practice like listening to Amma sing bhajans or to a talk by either Amma or one of her advanced swamis, or just sit and watch her give darshan to the thousands of people who come to see her. 

Most days I spend several hours at the University doing TA work and also on the internet answering emails and keeping up with what is going on in the outside world (a vice that is very hard for me to break). Then there is just the daily task of taking care of laundry, cleaning the flat, making various purchases for day to day things (the shops here are only open for window of about 2 hours twice a day (and not at the same time), so you have to hit them at the right time).  The time just goes...........Tuesdays are a big day with Amma during the day, she gives a talk and serves everyone lunch. I finally was able to spend an hour meditating at one of the very special places I wanted to make sure I got to. It was a really special meditation. 

I've just started to do 30 to 40 minutes of stretching each day in preparation for the upcoming yoga class. Doubt that will be enough but at least it is something.

So Kathleen, you busted me!  I am not terribly disciplined in general but have gotten considerably more so since being here--it's all relative..... and I am just a neophyte with lots of growing to do for sure!!!

BTW, the orphanage visit was AWESOME-- a major highlight of my time here.  I will write more about that in a separate email/posting.

Steering back to the mundane

Om Namah Shivaya,

After the last couple of fairly uncharacteristic self-disclosing emails, I am bringing this email back to the more day-to-day.  I will say that many who wrote back described my last two missives with words such as "brave" and "beautiful."  I am glad that for some, what I wrote brought quiet reflection, if it troubled others, that was certainly not my intention nor desire.  The words flowed from such a bountiful place in me, I just decided to go with the flow rather than to censor myself--which frankly is much more characteristic for me--to keep such thoughts to myself. Anyway, they are now out there in the cyber-universe creating whatever vibrations and/or reverberations. 

We are now into our fourth week here.  As an update, my skirmishes with the ants and mosquitoes continues unabated. I have brought more strategies into my arsenal which have helped a lot and if there is a win/loss column, then I think I may be winning......famous last words......  I finally had to pull out the REI camping mosquito net (kind of a mini tent) that I brought just in case. Thank goodness I did.  I set it up on my bed and each night I crawl into it, have Bob tuck me in and cocoon for the night. It's been very effective in stopping all night time mosquito bites and I am finally getting really good sleep. I feel like a butterfly emerging each morning now. Having to use the bathroom in the middle of the night is always a little tricky as there is no easy zippered opening, so I have to contort myself a bit to slither out and back in to it.  The daily ritual is now for both of us to shake out the sheets and hang them up, put up the sleeping mat that is on the floor, sweep the flat every morning, and squish any live bug (ants, mosquitoes, and the occasional small jumping spiders) in the flat (the rare ladybug is the exception--she always goes free). Bob has been really caring and is now squishing the ants some times and I tell him that I am taking on his karma for acting on my behalf. I've also taken to hanging my snack bag up on our clothesline--very much in the fashion of how you hang food when you camp to keep it away from hungry bears. I also started smearing on this concoction of all herbs known to repel mosquitoes that I bought at the ecology shop here. It works really well bringing me much relief and smells nice too! 

We found at least one of the elephants and were a bit distressed to see it chained to a close by tree displaying what looks like a nervous tic of shaking its head up and down--otherwise it looks very healthy.   I was under the impression that the elephants were being kept in a larger enclosed compound that gave them room to roam.  Maybe it was just an off day.  We thought there were two elephants so weren't sure where the other one was, if it is still here, or if where it is, is a much better place than where this elephant was yesterday.  None-the-less, we will visit this elephant at least once again and next time bring it some bananas as a treat. 

We took our first long walk yesterday in search of the elephants and also the Ayurvedic Medicine College and Ayurevdic Hospital (this is a very specific approach to understanding disease and healing of the body). They are a good walk away from the Biotechnology building and are on a separate campus which means we had to cross a number of village roads, cow pastures, small homes, an outdoor temple, and village stores. We reached the campus in a rather haphazard way but were impressed with what we saw when we reached our destination. The hospital provides a wide array of outpatient and inpatient services and what looked like a well stocked herbal pharmacy.  Just outside the campus they have a very extensive herb garden where they grow many of the medicinal plants they use as treatments. They have many beautiful murals related to vedic teachings and Amma around the buildings. There is a lot of construction happening at that campus as there is on this campus.  Once the entire university is completed here, it will be really stunning. 

I have to say that one of the fun things about being a TA here for Bob is that I have an official ID badge!!  Anyone who really knows me or has read earlier entries to the blog I've been keeping since moving to NYC knows how much I love having a badge hanging around my neck.  There is just something really grounding to me about having one. I've worn one for over 20 years while working at the Children's Hospital in Seattle and somehow having one just makes me feel more alright with the world.  I think it is reflective of that little touch of Aspergers I think I have. 

I have been able to spend meditative time at the beach on the Arabian Sea.  The pounding waves are hypnotic and just soaking up all those negative ions being thrown your way is pretty soothing and healing on all levels. The sunsets are so beautiful and I especially like it because it is usually windy out there so less concerns about mosquitoes.

My niece was asking me about food here and I was telling her that the Indian food sold at the Ashram is very authentic (most of the people at the Indian canteen do not speak English) and really delicious and remarkably cheap. Bob and I can purchase very filling meals for about the equivalent of 50 cents at the most. Breakfast is usually only about a US quarter.  Many of the foods I've never seen in the US and we have eaten at a lot of Indian restaurants. So we just take whatever is there and try it out.  We've not been disappointed very often.  We now have our favorites and are excited to see them when available. There is a Western Cafe and Western Canteen that sell much more familiar foods. Meals there are also inexpensive but about twice what you pay for a meal at the Indian canteen. I've not yet ventured over to the free Indian food line--it doesn't look very appetizing though hundreds line up for it (is it only because it is free???).  It's a very watery, soupy boiled white rice with an equally soupy vegetable curry served for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I really should try it at least once before I leave. Once I am over the sniffles I have, we are going to try the Indian milkshakes and lassis they sell here too.  So far, with the yogurt and probiotics we take everyday, we've not had any GI problems. Keeping our fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to say that I do love the sight of all the flowing white saris and shawls of the many, many, many renunciates and devotees here. There is just something rather surreal of so much flowing white. 

I've made a long list of things I want to make sure I do before I leave here.  Given the relatively small size of the ashram, it's actually quite surprising just how much there is to do here if you were to take advantage of every service or activity available. For all that I have done, and will do, before I leave, I doubt it's an exhaustive list by a long shot.

Activities to which I am looking forward:

Tomorrow (Monday) I am going to visit Amma's orphanage in a neighboring town.  She was asked to take over this orphanage over 20 years ago when those who were operating it could no longer afford to do so. Those of us going will get a tour of the facility, see what the children are learning, be treated to cultural dance and singing performances, meet the children, and have lunch and tea there.  When I signed up to go, I was encouraged to think of a song, dance, or game to share with the children once there. Hmmmmm, not sure what I will share--those activities are not exactly playing to my strong suit. 

On Tuesday afternoon, we will take a 1 1/2 boat tour along the backwaters out to the Arabian Sea. We did this the last time we were here four years ago and it was so beautiful and relaxing. I am hoping for a similar experience this go around as well.

We start an intensive four day yoga training class on Friday with an orientation on Thursday afternoon. Lucky for me we are signed up for the Level 1 session. Friends here are taking the Level 2 now and it sounds really grueling. I am a bit concerned whether I will able to do 3 1/2 hours of yoga per day for the four days of training (split up between morning and afternoon sessions).  I have been so sedentary since being here and haven't done any yoga since moving from Seattle. The hardest thing for me will be the heat of the room as there is no air conditioning and heat is supported as being good as it loosens the muscles and joints.  I just wilt in heat. About 2 years ago, trying to do even one Bikram Hot Yoga class completely did me in.  Bob will probably love it, as this is very much what he is used to, and has been very regularly attending his hot yoga classes in NYC.   

Still trying to find the right time to meditate in a couple of very special and sacred places here in the ashram.  Main problem is timing---they are only open to the public for slivers of time during the day. I need to get more focused on figuring out when to be at the right place at the right time. 

Okay, more than enough for now. 

PS  If you are inclined to pray or send hopeful thoughts, please send them out to those in path of Hurricane Irene. We are both glad to be here so as not to be in danger but also wish a little we were there in NYC to witness the power of nature. 

Thoughtful questions requiring thoughtful answers

These are two questions sent from a friend in relation to my last email/blog post and my answers:

Rose,

You made an analogy w Christianity and asked what we would do should Christ come to earth.
so:

1. how do you incorporate, or not, any of your Christian beliefs or heritage into your current "search" ---you may not but I recall Bob doing both in past


2. Do you think that the opportunity to live in NYC was part of a larger "plan" to test or strengthen or explore your commitment

I really like hearing from you about your experience
Kathleen


Good Questions Kathleen!  

The second is easier to answer than the first.  I have absolutely no doubt that the opportunity to live in NYC is part of a much larger plan to strengthen my commitment. The move completely removed the barriers I had set in my own mind about not having the time, being too stressed, etc to engage in structured daily practice beyond the minimal -- though I did try to maintain a specific attitude throughout my day. Now, in NYC, I have very little if any stress in my life and my time is my own, I structure it the way I want to and participate in activities of my own choosing. I have my responsibilities as a wife and life partner which I take very seriously and try my best to fulfill fully and with a positive attitude (which was not always the case when I was working so much in Seattle). The move also freed me up to make this trip with Bob which I had not been able to do because I was always working each of the 3 times he came before.  Bottom line, I don't have any more excuses (at least not real ones, lame ones abound) for not acting on my commitment to a more structured spiritual practice.  It's kind of weird to be so focused on this topic of spiritual growth because for the most part, I am not that changed. I still like to have a good time, enjoy being out and about in the city, love being with friends and family, being open to exploring pretty much anything and everything. I guess I think about my spiritual growth as the backdrop and frame to trying to be my best accepting, loving, and caring self whenever and wherever--which does not translate to be a doormat.  It's about being more detached from the outcome and discerning of what is actually needed in the process of the interaction. If it is only about boosting or securing my own ego/desires, then I need to learn to let those interactions go, if it about securing justice and fairness then those things are worth fighting for and maybe even sometimes with anger.   I think engaging in structured spiritual practice keeps me more focused on tuning into and developing that discernment and detachment.

So that kind of leads me to your first question which is a bit more complicated (or maybe not by the time I get my thoughts down). First, I love Jesus Christ. Growing up Catholic, going to a Catholic school first through eighth grades, and being taught (and favored) by nuns was such a powerful, impacting experience for me.  I felt very close to Christ and the Virgin Mary and talked freely with God about many things as a child.  So I think I have had leanings toward spirituality my whole life. But children grow up and my own perceptions over time were that despite my love for Christ, God, and Mary, it was not anywhere near enough to be okay (for me, very personally speaking) with the larger Church structure (Catholic and otherwise) that I felt completely warped and corrupted much of Christ's teachings for their own gain and power.  I then decided to leave the Catholic Church but still maintain my relationship with Christ, God, and Mary.  Over time, I tried to go back to the Catholic Church, especially when Bob came into my life because he was a convert to Catholicism--but I just couldn't do it.  I did have one very productive talk with a priest during this time. I told him about my situation and concerns and asked very specifically whether it was okay to take communion if and when I did go to mass. He told me that we all need spiritual nourishment and that I should take communion whenever I went to mass regardless of my current practices. I felt so blessed to have that permission and so now take it freely and thankfully whenever I do go to mass, which is mostly when I am home with my family. So, even though I wasn't particularly looking for another spiritual teacher, Amma came into my life.  Despite ALL of my MASSIVE skepticism, doubt, and resistance (which I cannot even begin to express the level of resistance I initially had to meeting her--it took Bob two years of coaxing me to meet her), it was obvious after meeting her twice that she is a realized spiritual master and teacher, an enlightened being alive currently on this earth. Some reading this may find the next statement blasphemous, but I believe She and Christ share the same cosmic consciousness. Amma makes no request or demand that she be the only spiritual teacher you have.  Therefore I get to have it ALL:  My relationships with Christ, God, Mary, and Amma.  All building and scaffolding on each other, enhancing my spiritual growth and, the best part of all, is that Amma has gifted me (us) with Her presence in a human body in the here and now. Were Christ to do that now, in as concrete a way as Amma is doing, then I would go visit him at his Ashram too!