Thoughtful questions requiring thoughtful answers

These are two questions sent from a friend in relation to my last email/blog post and my answers:

Rose,

You made an analogy w Christianity and asked what we would do should Christ come to earth.
so:

1. how do you incorporate, or not, any of your Christian beliefs or heritage into your current "search" ---you may not but I recall Bob doing both in past


2. Do you think that the opportunity to live in NYC was part of a larger "plan" to test or strengthen or explore your commitment

I really like hearing from you about your experience
Kathleen


Good Questions Kathleen!  

The second is easier to answer than the first.  I have absolutely no doubt that the opportunity to live in NYC is part of a much larger plan to strengthen my commitment. The move completely removed the barriers I had set in my own mind about not having the time, being too stressed, etc to engage in structured daily practice beyond the minimal -- though I did try to maintain a specific attitude throughout my day. Now, in NYC, I have very little if any stress in my life and my time is my own, I structure it the way I want to and participate in activities of my own choosing. I have my responsibilities as a wife and life partner which I take very seriously and try my best to fulfill fully and with a positive attitude (which was not always the case when I was working so much in Seattle). The move also freed me up to make this trip with Bob which I had not been able to do because I was always working each of the 3 times he came before.  Bottom line, I don't have any more excuses (at least not real ones, lame ones abound) for not acting on my commitment to a more structured spiritual practice.  It's kind of weird to be so focused on this topic of spiritual growth because for the most part, I am not that changed. I still like to have a good time, enjoy being out and about in the city, love being with friends and family, being open to exploring pretty much anything and everything. I guess I think about my spiritual growth as the backdrop and frame to trying to be my best accepting, loving, and caring self whenever and wherever--which does not translate to be a doormat.  It's about being more detached from the outcome and discerning of what is actually needed in the process of the interaction. If it is only about boosting or securing my own ego/desires, then I need to learn to let those interactions go, if it about securing justice and fairness then those things are worth fighting for and maybe even sometimes with anger.   I think engaging in structured spiritual practice keeps me more focused on tuning into and developing that discernment and detachment.

So that kind of leads me to your first question which is a bit more complicated (or maybe not by the time I get my thoughts down). First, I love Jesus Christ. Growing up Catholic, going to a Catholic school first through eighth grades, and being taught (and favored) by nuns was such a powerful, impacting experience for me.  I felt very close to Christ and the Virgin Mary and talked freely with God about many things as a child.  So I think I have had leanings toward spirituality my whole life. But children grow up and my own perceptions over time were that despite my love for Christ, God, and Mary, it was not anywhere near enough to be okay (for me, very personally speaking) with the larger Church structure (Catholic and otherwise) that I felt completely warped and corrupted much of Christ's teachings for their own gain and power.  I then decided to leave the Catholic Church but still maintain my relationship with Christ, God, and Mary.  Over time, I tried to go back to the Catholic Church, especially when Bob came into my life because he was a convert to Catholicism--but I just couldn't do it.  I did have one very productive talk with a priest during this time. I told him about my situation and concerns and asked very specifically whether it was okay to take communion if and when I did go to mass. He told me that we all need spiritual nourishment and that I should take communion whenever I went to mass regardless of my current practices. I felt so blessed to have that permission and so now take it freely and thankfully whenever I do go to mass, which is mostly when I am home with my family. So, even though I wasn't particularly looking for another spiritual teacher, Amma came into my life.  Despite ALL of my MASSIVE skepticism, doubt, and resistance (which I cannot even begin to express the level of resistance I initially had to meeting her--it took Bob two years of coaxing me to meet her), it was obvious after meeting her twice that she is a realized spiritual master and teacher, an enlightened being alive currently on this earth. Some reading this may find the next statement blasphemous, but I believe She and Christ share the same cosmic consciousness. Amma makes no request or demand that she be the only spiritual teacher you have.  Therefore I get to have it ALL:  My relationships with Christ, God, Mary, and Amma.  All building and scaffolding on each other, enhancing my spiritual growth and, the best part of all, is that Amma has gifted me (us) with Her presence in a human body in the here and now. Were Christ to do that now, in as concrete a way as Amma is doing, then I would go visit him at his Ashram too!