Tolerances and Blessings

Om Namah Shivaya,

While I don't plan to post at every two day intervals, being here is such a fresh experience for me that the "settling in" phase goes deeper and deeper each day. Just wanted to enter a few thoughts about it while they are fresh in my mind.

I think it is very easy to have a romanticized vision of life in an ashram. At least for me here, I am still grounded (for better or worse) in my "Western" mind and expectations so am learning to tolerate many things here in this living situation that I would probably walk away from if staying somewhere in the states (though I have to say, I've stayed in some pretty funky places in the good ol' US of A). Yesterday, I made a list of all the blessings (or what I experience to be Amma's grace) I've received since traveling here and all the "downsides" of being here (what better example of a Western mind at work??). It came out to be a 3 to 1 ratio of really wonderful experiences of blessed grace to "lessor" experiences I am learning to live with--though really that ratio is simply an absolute mathematical statement, in reality, the weighting is much heavier for the value, depth, and breadth of the blessings. So with appropriate weighting, it is likely more like a 20 to 1 ratio of "good" to "lessor". It's very much like a marriage, your partner isn't perfect but there is so much good in them you are willing to put up with their more annoying aspects.

So here are things I am learning to tolerate, and hoping that over time, instead of these things "getting old fast," they just become routine and familiar and fade into the background of my experience while I soak up the amazing vibrations here (can you believe I talk like this now??--I've always been a such a skeptic and pragmatist).

1) Mold and rust are just so prevalent here---the year round hot/warm steamy/humid weather is just a breeding and cultivating ground for both. It takes constant effort to keep both at bay, and for lots of structures inside and out, it seems to be a losing battle. So when I say we have a nice flat, it really means that it only has a minimal amount (all relative to how bad it can get here) of rust and mold. The ashram is in a constant state of painting and repair because of the mold and rust. For the most part they are winning, especially when it comes to the most important and sacred buildings, but it is a lot of work.

2) Ants and mosquitos are plentiful here though the ashram works really hard at mosquito abatement which overall is pretty successful. though on any given day, despite wearing long sleeves and long pants, I can always count on getting at least a couple of bites. Those mosquitos are fast and furious when they do get to you. Luckily, if I don't scratch at them, the intense itching sensation goes away in about 15 minutes, so it's a good lesson in restraint and patience. The ants I've already discussed--but wow, they are just EVERYWHERE, food present or not. One is crawling on my computer screen as I write. It's not like there are hundreds in any given place, there maybe only a handful here and there but it is a constant few here and there. I am trying to get better at ignoring them if they aren't really doing any harm like trying to get into my food and adopting others' approach of "just make friends with them."

3) Steady streams of trash is just outside of the ashram on the way to the University. In the ashram, they keep it generally very clean but because thousands live or visit the ashram day in and day out, they can't keep it spotless. It's funny, I live with so much trash everyday in NYC that it has helped me some in tolerating it here better on this visit than my last visit four years ago when I visited India while still living in Seattle.

4) The heat is not nearly as bad as when I was here four and eight years ago but it still can be hot and humid when there is no air circulation. This is as good a time of year to be here as any since you do get some cool breaks in the evening and early morning and enough breezes during the day to make it quite tolerable.

5) The constant feeling of being sticky or sweating (combine that with a hot flash and just see what a good time that can be!). Showers help for about maybe 10 minutes. Speaking of showers, there is no such thing as hot and cold running water here, just one dial that opens the shower head or faucet. What you get is whatever temperature the water happens to be in the water storage unit which is usually cold (tepid at best) relative to one's usual experience of a shower. I am actually getting to really like the cold showers even in the cool morning temperatures as it sets a very good memory for the day---in the heat and stickiness of the day, I can think fondly of the chilliness of the morning shower. It's a good coping strategy.

6) Hair is just always a "bad hair" day here. At least for me anyway. My hair just goes crazy, gets all wavy and curly with wisps of hair that cannot be contained--no matter how many headbands, hairclips and rubberbands I use. No hairdryers are allowed because of the drain on the electrical system here,and besides, the effect would not last long and the idea of putting a hot dryer anywhere near me is just crazy. I also feel like I can never quite get it as clean as I do in the states. I think it may be the water here which is not filtered in the showers, just for the drinking water stations around the ashram where people fill up their water bottles. If I were living here permanently, I would probably just shave my head.

7) The limited fresh food that is safe to eat. While there is food aplenty here, and quite delicious, Westerners have to be very careful about eating anything fresh (same as if traveling in Mexico). I am so used to a very steady stream of fresh, raw fruit and vegetables in my diet, that is just not the case here. The safest thing is to eat very well cooked foods and only fresh fruit with heavy skins or rinds (think oranges, pomegranites, bananas).

8) The distance from famly and friends. While I have been dealing with the long distance from family and friends over the last year with the move to NYC, at least there it is easy to hop a plane and be there in one day. Here not so easy--try flights that only go out a few times a week and take a couple of days in flight time and lay overs. That is probably the most unnerving thing for me to stay calm about.

So as not to burst the bubble of the beauty of being here with such conditions, in reality, all of the above pale in comparison to what I have already received in the way of grace by being here. I could list them out same as above but most are really intangible and so particular and private to me, it would be hard to put into words for others to understand or to appreciate the magnitude of seemingly small events.

One thing I will share is that when I went to get my massage yesterday, I thought I was going to get a typical "spa" like massage, a "get blissed out" kind of experience. It turned out to be a very intense, emotionally deep experience which felt like it amounted to about 20 hours of intense therapy and it was physically painful. At times she was kneading places so deep, I thought she was going to push clear through skin, muscle, and bone. She gave good reasons for what she was doing and why I experienced it as so painful (apparently others do not find it painful at all), no doubt over time, it became bearable--but so much for the "spa" massage I had been expecting. The woman giving me my massage was amazingly intuitive, articulate, insightful, loving, caring, challanging, healing...... and I could go on and on........ I am planning to see her weekly while here as I've never had such a deep experience as I did in the care of her hands. I was just blown away at the end of the hour. It's those kinds of experiences that make every downside listed above shrink to mere "eh."

I have been exploring the Kali Temple a bit more and cannot believe what a labrynth it is. It has so many rooms and hidden nooks and crannys from top to bottom (it has about 4 floors plus an above ground basement like structure on which it stands). It's amazing how many people, businesses, and services are situated in it). So much more to discover. I am taking a tour soon to get a much better sense of all that the ashram offers. I visited a friend who has a flat on the 16th floor of one of the residence buildings. The views of the seemingly never ending coconut tree forest, the backwaters, and the Arabian sea are unbelievably spectacular and beautiful from their flat and floor balcony. You can see lots of exotic birds nesting in the tall trees. We will get pictures of those views and send them out next week though I doubt they will do justice to the live view.

Shanti (peace),

Rose